Bender Bending Rodriguez
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Episode Transcript: 6acv03 |
6acv03: Attack of the Killer App
Poopenmeyer: As mayor, it is my deeply tedious pleasure to kick off the 83rd or 84th Annual e-Waste Recycling Festival!
Bender: Down in front!
Zoidberg: Sorry, I get aroused in crowds.
Poopenmeyer: I will now throw out the ceremonial first dump: [takes an old machine that says Elect-O-Matic 2000 and is about to put it in the recycling bin] this old inefficient vote rigger! [throws it away as the crowd cheers and the fin grows back on Zoidberg's head]
Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.
Leela: So long, overly complicated Japanese toilet! Toilet: [in a stereotypical Japanese accent] Please. I not to throw away. I give you, uh, Happy Poopie Time. Fry: Sorry, you know too much.
Bender: Seems like a good place to ditch some evidence. [takes something out of his cavity, opens the bin and finds a familiar robot] Flexo?! What are you doin' in a hazardous wastebin? Flexo: Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun—
Farnsworth: Who were you talking to? Bender: [slides the evidence with his footcup under the bin] No one? Your mama? Shut up? Take your pick.
Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, New New York Times Online Podcast blog comments editor. Mr. Mayor, isn't this e-waste dangerous? Poopenmeyer: Not at all, Scoop. Not after it's hauled off to the Third World by an expendable team of minimum-wage nobodies.
Farnsworth: [whispering to the other three] Good news, nobodies!
Antarian #1: Greetings, my friends. It shan't take long to strip down your clunker. [knocks the staircase twice] Leela: There's nothing wrong with our clunker. Antarian #1: Really? Because we can smelt out the deadly, deadly chromium to make rat poison and artificial sweeteners. Leela: No, thanks. We're delivering e-waste. Antarian #1: Pity. We're halfway done.
Antarian #2: This thing is 40% chromium.
Antarian #1: Gentle now. Gentle with the hover dumpster.
Antarian #1: Ready for processing! [squirts the oil, takes out a match, lights it, and spreads it on the oil] Fry: [sniffs as his nose bleeds] What smells like bloody sinuses? Antarian #1: We burn your e-waste down to the usable metals, safely releasing the toxins into our air and drinking water.
Leela: Uch! That's the worst thing I've ever seen! Antarian #1: Really? Then don't look over there. [points to a bunch of Antarian children playing in a pile of e-Waste, to the kids] Okay, kids, let's play Find the Shiny!
Leela: That's even more horrific! Is all the work done by children? Antarian #1: No. Not the whipping.
Leela: Granted, we later learned some positive things about recycling. But a better solution is to use our electronics as long as possible, instead of throwing them out in the first place. [walks toward the trash can] I'm gonna start by keeping my old cell phone, even if it is outdated.
Phone: [like an old 1930's switchboard operator] Hello, Miss Turanga, your call to St. Louis has gone through. Bender: [grabbing the television] Well, let's at least throw this TV out. [rips it from the wall] The batteries in the remote are gettin' low. Leela: No! Put that back and turn it on! Bender: I was just tryin' to help. [puts the television back on the wall as Fry turns it on with the remote]
Morbo: More on this breaking puff piece after a word from our sponsor.
Announcer: WIth the new eyePhone, you can watch, listen, ignore your friends, stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus, even check your E-mail while getting hit by a train. All with the new eyePhone. Mom (v.o.): From Mom. Leela: A new eyePhone? Forget this junk. [throws out her cell phone again] Phone: Well, this is a fine howdoyoudo. Hermes: [throws out his BlackBerry] So long. Fry: [throws out his phone] Sayonara. Amy: [throws out her miniature cell phone] Buh-bye. Zoidberg: [throws out his shell phone] Good riddance. Bender: [throws out his old wireless phone] Yep. Farnsworth: [throws out his even older wireless phone] Toodle-oo! Leela: Come on! Let's buy some eyePhones on line!
Fry: Wait. I thought we were buying our eyePhones online. Leela: We are on line.
Fry: But I thought the Mom Store was across town. Amy: It is across town.
Fry: But I thought— Bender: Stop thinking, Fry!
Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting. Beeler: The eyePhone has an app for that! Bender: Is there an app for kissin' my shiny metal ass? Beeler: Several! Bender: Ooooooh!
Farnsworth: Oh, no! The light! I guess I'm off to Hell. Hermes: That's the store, Professor. Farnsworth: Eh-wha?
Amy: Shwow! It's that obscure underground song that's constantly playing everywhere.
Mom: [in her sweet voice] Hello, dearies. Welcome to the Mom Store. The new eyePhones are in short supply, so please form an orderly— Bender: Outta the way!
Fry: [panting] Are there any eyePhones left? Cashier: There may be one.
Cashier: Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold a charge and the reception isn't very— Fry: [taking out a wad of cash] Shut up and take my money!! Mom: The new eyePhone is wonderful. I use it to check recipes and send threatening e-mails to unauthorized third party app developers.
Fry: Say, you're from one of those ethnicities that knows about technology. Why's it called an eyePhone? Cashier: I'll explain after I install it.
Fry: Neat. Cashier: [putting an earpiece in Fry's left ear] Now for the earpiece. [lifts a huge mallet, but we don't see him hammer it in, instead, we pan back to the video screen] Mom: But my favorite app is called "Twitcher". [we hear the cashier hammer in the earpiece] Twitcher lets you send and receive short messages called "twits". [we hear a ding] Why, [blinks her eyes and activates a floating screen showing Larry] here's a twit now. Larry: Hi, Mom, I love you more than Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar— eyePhone: Low battery.
Mom: But don't take my word for it. [a screen showing a web site appears, which Mom reads] Unbiasedreviews.mom says, "Twitcher is the Killer App!"
Mom: [normal voice] And when I say, "killer app", I mean, "KILLER app!"
Announcer: And now, another downloadisode of "The Real Housewives of Sim City"!
Sims Woman: She needs to reset. I'll say it to her face.
Fry: No wonder traditional media is dead! Check out this webisode of Hypnotoad.
Bender: Enjoy your outdated format, Grandpa. [blinks his eyes to open an episode of All My Circuits] Nowadays, cool kids like me mash up our own phoneisodes.
Calculon: It's from the kidnappers. My nephew is alive and he's...in this envelope. Calculon's Nephew: [looking flat] They cut off one of my dimensions! Calculon: [as Monique sobs] No. No!
Bender: [on screen] Oh, my God! It's Bender! He'll save us!
Fry: What's happening to me? Is it puberty? Bender: It's a phone call, dingus. Fry: These eyePhones are phones, too? Bender: Duh!
Fry: Fry-lo. Leela: [on screen] Hi, Fry. Did you know these eyePhones are phones, too? Fry: Duh. Hey, is it safe to talk while you're flying? Leela: [on screen] Oh, totally. This thing's hands-free. [takes out a taco] That's how I can eat this taco [takes out a fork with spaghetti in another hand] and this spaghetti.
Leela: I'm hanging up now. [Fry and Leela touch their noses and hang up] Bender: Hey, check out this Internet video of some idiot crashing her spaceship!
Leela: You recorded that? Bender: The eyePhone records everything. All I did was add a laugh track and twit it to my 10,000 followers.
Fry: Oh, that reminds me. It's time to twit my hourly twupdate. [Fry records a twit on his eyePhone] 'Sup, followers? Fry here. [belches] Burpin' eggs. [scratches his armpit] Scratchin' my underarm fungus. Lookin' for love. Send.
Larry: Underarm fungus? [gasps] Too much informatio—[Mom slaps him] OW! Mom: It's exactly the right amount of information! For years, I've collected personal data with old-fashioned methods like spybots and infosquitoes.
Infosquito: This guy sure loves porno. Mom: But now, thanks to Twitcher, morons voluntarily spew out every fact I need to exploit them.
Walt: Target acquired, Mother. Mom: Fire direct marketing algorithm!
Man: Do you suffer from the heartbreak of...? Fry's Voice: "—my underarm fungus." Man: Then, you, Mr. or Mrs. ... [we hear a soundbite of Fry belching], need the soothing relief of Mom's Caustic Anti-Fungal Bleach!
Fry: Ooh, can I somehow charge it to my eyePhone for an additional fee? Mom (v.o.): Hell, yes!
Ad: Hey, fatso, stuffa you face! Hermes: [gasps] This thing always seems to know when I get the munchies! [closes Space Invaders and opens Twitcher] Attention followers: It's Free Topping Day at the pizza place across the street! Send.
Leela: [twitting] Duh. That's why we all came over here for lunch. Send. Bender: [twitting] Greetings, followers: This is Day Five of my solo kayak journey around the world. Send. [laughs to himself, to Hermes] Can you believe 50,000 idiots swallow that crap? Send. Oops. Fry: [twitting to Bender] You have 50,000 followers? I only have three. Send.
Leela: I unsubscribed yesterday. Bender: I got the most followers cuz I give the people what they want, like this video of you doin' karate in your underpants.
Fry: [on screen] Help! Police! Bender: Send. Fry: That is low, Bender. Even by your standards. Bender: My what, now? Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy? Bender: August 6, 1991. Fry: I'll bet I can get as many followers as you without sinking to your level. What do you say? First one to a million followers wins a buck. Bender: [stands up to shake Fry's hand] You're on! [ends up shocking Fry] Send. Fry: What happens to the loser? Bender: Let's make it interesting.
Amy: Splech! Why is Mr. Chunks doing that? Bender: Because the loser of our bet has to do a double somersault into a tub of alien goat vomit. [giggles] Fry: Wait! Let's make it interestinger! [the camera cuts to reveal that the goat has two heads as Fry turns it around] Vomit and diarrhea!
Bender: Good idea! That way, we don't waste an end! Leela: [brushing away the smell] Eg, it's putrid! What do you feed him? Bender: What comes out one end we feed to the other. Also Indian food. Let the contest begin!
Mom: Amazing. Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every twit. [to her sons] Are you dumb bastards listening to me, you dumb bastards? Igner: Why are you so angry, Mommy? Mom: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous about my evil plan. YOU DUMB BASTARDS!!! [she triple slaps all three of her sons] You see, the plan is about to enter phase two. As soon as someone reaches a million followers, I'll use them to transmit...the Twitworm!
Walt: Oh, Mother, you devious hag, tell us more about this "Twitworm". Mom: It's a very special computer virus, for instead of infecting computers, it infects...the human brain! Infosquito: I like it! Mom: The million followers will become an army of zombies eager to obey my every command! [laughs evilly] Larry: The important thing is we're a family. Mom: NO IT'S NOT!
Amy: Ew! He sneezed in it! Fry: Oh, God, I'm gonna lose the bet! I'm gonna have to swim in the juice of the puke-me-poop-yu! Amy: Don't give up. You just need more titillating twits. Fry: Trust me, I want twits that tittle. Leela: Then you're gonna have to sink to Bender's level. Stop acting like the Queen of England. Female Voice: [singing] La la la la la la la! Fry: Whose that? The Queen of England? Leela: [gets out of her lounge chair] Uh, e-e-excuse me. I have to...someplace. [takes her towel and exits] Fry: That was odd. Where'd that singing come from? Amy: It wasn't the goat. All of its orifices are in use.
Female Voice: [singing in a Scottish accent] I dreamed a dream in time gone by... Leela and Female Voice: [singing] When hope was high and life worth living.
Susan: [still singing] I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Fry: What the hell is that? Leela: [hides the boil with a towel] Nothing. Susan: I'm not nothing! All my life, everyone's called me, "nothing"! Fry: You have a boil on your butt that sings showtunes with you? Leela: Don't look at me! I'm a freak! Fry: No, no. [shrugs] Well... Leela: [sighs] I've been ashamed of Susan as long as I can remember. Fry: You named your boil Susan? Susan: A boil cannae have a name. He also said a boil cannae sing. But... [sings] Amazing grace, how— [Leela pops Susan with a knife as she deflates and disappears] Fry: Ew, she's Scottish! Leela: [puts a bandage on the spot where the boil was] I lance her every few months, but she always grows back. [sobs] It's hard enough being a cyclops, but if anyone found out about Susan, I'd be devastated. Susan: [singing on Fry's eyePhone] Amazing grace, how— [she screams when she gets popped] Fry: Woah, gross. [gets inspired] A million follower gross. Leela: Fry, delete that! Delete that right now!
Fry: What? Oh. Okay.
Bender: [giggling and taking hot sauce out of his cavity and pouring it into the vomit] So much for a pleasant swim in vomit.
Fry: [fake coughing and whispering] Send [fake coughing again]
Leela: Did you delete it? Fry: [in horror] Eh. Leela: Thanks, Fry. [sniffles] You're a good friend. Fry: Ih.
Susan: [on screen singing] Amazing grace, how— [screams]
Sal's Friend: [pointing to Leela] Hey, there she goes in the jen-you-ine! Let's get ta hootin'! [to Leela] HOOOOOOOOOO! Sal: Whoa-whoa-whoas! If it ain'ts the world's number ones internet sensation! Leela: Where? Also, what?
Susan (v.o.): [singing] Ama-
Susan (v.o.): [singing] -zing grace, how [screams]
Hermes: Play it one more time! Farnsworth: No! It's humiliating and degrading to Leela! Play it ten more times! Fry: [sighs] I know I shouldn't have twitted that but [he looks at the Twit Meter, which now has Bender at 934,802 followers and Fry just growing and growing inching closer to the same number of followers as Bender] not swimming in barf might ease my conscience. Zoidberg: But if Leela should find out, her dignity sac will rupture. Fry: That's why we can't let her see this. Leela, lock the doors so Leela doesn't—EEEEE! Leela: [sobbing] How could you do this?!!
Amy: Poor Mr. Chunks. At least he died doing what he loved.
Bender: He's in a better place now.
Scruffy: There. I turned a regular board into a divin' board. [flicks it] Mm-hmm.
Farnsworth: Impending news, everyone! We're about to learn the winner of the bet! Bender: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! [whispers to Amy] I hope it's me!
Bender: Wait a minute! There's a chance I could lose? That wasn't part of the deal!
Hermes: Sweet Georgia Brown of Kingston Town! It's a tie! Since no one lost, no one has to jump! Bender: Alright, a tie! I win again!! [points to Fry as if to say, "In your face!"] Fry: Oh, I'm a scuzzball. Zoidberg: Don't feel bad. At least you're not Leela.
Mom: A tie? This worked out better than I could have hoped! Now I'll have two million zombies! Walt: Actually, Fry and Bender may share some of the same followers. All we can say for sure is that there will be between one million and two million zombies. Mom: All I can say for sure is... [slaps Walt] Now stop getting slapped and power up the Twitworm!
Sal's Friend: It's both disgusting and inspiring, like Jared from Subway. Leela: Okay, I'm a freak with a singing butt boil, but I'm still a human being more or less. Sal: Singin' butts boil? That's yesterday'ses news. Sal's Friend: Like that giant caterpillar what ate Jared from Subway. Sal: Nows us internet geeks gots a whole new video sensation. Leela: So my humiliation is over? Sal: Who are you?
Mom: And now, to create an unstoppable army of between one and two million zombies!
Igner: Uh, shouldn't you wait for the weather to clear up? Mom: No! I give you...the Twitworm! [pulls up a huge switch on the machine] Send.
Fry: Aaah! I'm sick of my head doing things! [Leela comes up to him] Leela! Leela: Fry, I came to talk to you. Fry: No, I came to talk to you. Leela: It looked like you were just sitting there, but whatever. Fry: I am so, so sorry for what I did. And I know I can never make it up to you. Leela: You don't have to apologize. In fact, I came to thank you. Fry: I think you mean hit me.
Leela: Everyone knows my secret, but no one cares. I have nothing to hide anymore. Oh, Fry, thanks to your selfish rudeness, a terrible weight has been lifted from my heart! Susan (v.o.): That's not the only place you need a terrible weight lifted!
Leela: Susan and I are agreed. For the first time in our lives, we're not ashamed of who were are. Susan (v.o.): I was never ashamed. Leela: Come here. [she hugs Fry but then smells something] What stinks? Were you rolling around in New Jersey? Fry: Leela, I knew I could never make it up to you, so I did the next best thing. I put myself through the same humiliation I put you through.
Leela: Aw, you didn't have to do that. Fry: I didn't? Damn. Leela: Don't worry. By tomorrow, no one will remember. Fry: Can I have another hug? Leela: No. Susan (v.o.): Oh, hold yer nose an' give it a go!
Mom (v.o.): Introducing the all new eyePhone 2.0!
Mom: Dumb bastards.
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